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As much as we might love a friend or a partner, if we have a different style of expressing it than our partner, a lot can be lost in translation. As Gary Chapman explores in his book "The 5 Love Languages" (which I summarized here), there are five different ways we express love, and prefer to receive affection in return. Today I will be discussing Acts of Service.
When our styles are different, we might be left feeling unloved or uncared for. To avoid this happening, it’s important to understand how each person communicates love and which style they thrive on in return.
(If you are curious about what your Love Language is, check out the official website here to take a quiz, learn more, listen to podcasts, and find a whole bunch of official resources.)
I will be writing a post about each style (Quality Time Together, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation), and this week's is Acts of Service
Acts of Service
“Actions speak louder than words,” is an old saying that speaks loud and clear if acts of service is your primary love language.
If this is your partner’s love language, this style of communication is all about finding ways to make their life easier and show that you care through actions. To your partner, mowing the lawn, folding the laundry, or getting the car washed might be the most romantic thing you could do!
How to Give Acts of Service
If you’re the one performing the service, it’s important to understand this isn’t just about the chore or the task, but the effort you are putting forth to make their life easier. The actual task may be small, or big, but when motivated and acted on from a place of love and consideration, it is much more than just crossing a task off the to-do list.
Try finding the small things they haven’t even asked for. This can make your partner feel truly special because they’ll know that you’ve been paying attention. Simultaneously, it tells them that even when things are stressful, they don’t have to do it all alone.
This style doesn’t mean you need to go and repaint the whole house! It can take as little time as a few seconds or just a couple of minutes.
- Wash the dishes
- Taking clothes they forgot out of the washer
- Bringing them a cup of tea in bed
- Heating up their car during winter
- Booking the event tickets so they don’t have to
- Picking up their favorite food when you’re at the store
- Setting the table
More Than Doing Chores
If you don’t enjoy chores, don’t worry! Acts of service doesn’t mean you need to do everything around the house or to run all the errands. This would be unfair of anyone to expect. Your partner will appreciate that you’re busy and only have limited energy to give. Acts of service isn’t about making the whole house sparkle or worrying that they won’t feel loved if you haven’t vacuumed.
Remember, it’s about letting your partner know that you’re paying attention, that you’ve noticed their needs, and that you’re willing to help out in ways that brighten up their day.
Everyone’s day-to-day is different. Find the little things that they’ll notice! Of course, some of the best acts of service are the ones we never see coming. It doesn’t all have to be about chores: be creative!
- Put the photos from your trip into an album that’s been laying around empty
- Do the planning for their birthday
- Put together the itinerary for your next trip
- Figure out plans with a mutual friend that they haven’t had time to organize
How to Recognize and Receive Acts of Service
If Acts of Service is not your primary love language, you might overlook these expressions of love and support when they are offered. Try to see beyond the task that was done, and look for the underlying message being sent. When they do something for you, it means that you’re valued enough for someone to put time and energy into doing things that make you happy. Your partner or loved ones want your day to be easier, even if it means taking time out of theirs. They are trying to let you know that they want to support you and that you can count on them.
The "Land mine" to be Avoided
Every Love Language style can also be used "wrongly" and end up inflicting more hurt. So, if your partner's primary love language is Acts of Service, avoid doing things that create more work for them. Similarly, failing to show appreciation for what they are doing for you is a hurtful insult.
Since this is their primary way of showing YOU love and support, it is especially hurtful if you overlook their hard work and efforts, or dismiss it as unimportant. Additionally, there can be a tendency to rely on them to do things for you, since they are so willing to show love in this way. Be careful not to ask too much and pile "one more thing" on their to-do list.
Contact Me
If you would like to work on your communication style (with a spouse, parent, child, co-worker, etc), don't hesitate to reach out!
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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