{"id":2581,"date":"2019-06-03T06:57:33","date_gmt":"2019-06-03T12:57:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.creativesolutionsonline.org\/?p=2581"},"modified":"2020-10-17T13:17:24","modified_gmt":"2020-10-17T18:17:24","slug":"pointing-fingers-of-blame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.creativesolutionsonline.org\/rebuild-csbh-sit\/pointing-fingers-of-blame\/","title":{"rendered":"Pointing Fingers of Blame"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"point<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Who\u2019s Fault Was It? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As I talked about in this blog post<\/a>, there are three broad reasons why bad things happen in our lives\u2014the results of our choices, the consequences of someone else\u2019s behaviors, and the natural effects of living in an imperfect, mortal world with tragedies like illness and natural disaster. It is human nature to need to blame someone for our distress (blame ourselves, others, God, etc).<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Three is a small number, but when we start to add up the results\u2014all of the bad, difficult moments\u2014life can feel overwhelming. The media doesn\u2019t make this any easier. 24-hour news cycles are designed to keep us glued to media outlets, but they feed us a non-stop stream of negativity. Sometimes it might feel like it\u2019s all you can do to keep your head above water\u2014hard moments keep flooding in, and you don\u2019t feel like you have anything to grab onto. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

With all these bad news and events filling our attention, it can be easy to assume the worst of others, the world, and the universe in general. When something goes wrong in our lives, it can be easy to blame someone else. Maybe we blame a family member. Or, maybe we blame society at large. Maybe we blame God. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pointing fingers doesn\u2019t just happen in negative circumstances, though. Winning the lottery, a lucky opportunity: it can be easy to think our lives are shaped by outside forces, both in the good and the bad moments. Maybe you\u2019ve been promoted but you pass it off as corporate trying to fill quotas. Maybe you were fined for speeding but you know that officer just needed to hand out more tickets. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Locus of Control <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In psychology, we call this the Locus of Control.  People with an external Locus of Control tend to see themselves as the recipient of other people\u2019s choices and actions, and feel very little sense of power in changing what happens to them.  People with an Internal Locus of Control see themselves as responsible for almost everything that happens to them and around them. Neither extreme is healthy or accurate. Real problems occur when there is a mismatch in your view of how much power you have over the reality around you.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Certainly, we can\u2019t control the weather or whether a slot machine lands on three cherries. All of our actions have effects, however, and when we ignore our own power in the world, we can end up feeling hopeless and depressed. If we blame God or others for everything that happens into our lives, we ignore all the ways our own actions influence our circumstances or how we can change them. Maybe things haven\u2019t worked out like we wanted, but instead of trying to turn our life around, we think we\u2019re powerless\u2014we\u2019re passive, prone to a sense of victimhood. What can we do, after all, when it\u2019s God fault?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking Charge <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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You have agency, however, and the power to change your interactions with others;. This means that you don\u2019t have to wait for random luck or for others to read your mind. You may have to step back and make a plan for how to proceed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe someone has hurt your feelings, but you don\u2019t have to accept that that\u2019s just the way it is. It isn\u2019t your fault that it happened, but that doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re powerless. You can talk to them, instead\u2014explain how their actions made you feel. Let them know what you need differently from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes it isn’t possible to change the situation or what happened: people get sick. Fires and natural disasters happen. You can\u2019t control the world, but we do still have power. But you have the power to decide how to react to these situations. You can honor the pain it may be causing you, while choosing to decide a course of action rather than impulsively react out of hurt, fear, or anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can be proud of our success and also find areas where we can choose to act with more agency and responsibility. The world is a big place, filled with people and random events, but we each have just as much agency as any other person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes this is hard to acknowledge because it means we might be at fault for our past unhappiness. However, this isn\u2019t a bad thing\u2014it just means that it\u2019s in our power to learn, to grow, and to act differently in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, maybe what happened isn\u2019t the result of something we did. However, we still have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond or react. We aren\u2019t stuck on a path that someone else created, whether that\u2019s God, our parents, or our boss, etc. We have the power to take small steps, to choose our actions, and to affect change for the better in the world around us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accepting responsibility isn\u2019t always easy, but chances are it will create a future you\u2019re happier to be a part of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where can I seek help?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you would like help in developing or implementing any of these ideas, please reach out to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don\u2019t have to figure it out on your own.   Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n