The Art of Saying “No”, Without Drowning in Guilt

Some people have absolutely no problem saying "no". Others feel as though they can’t say it without feeling guilty. While no one wants to disappoint others, it’s important to know when to give yourself a break. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you shouldn’t say "yes" to something, but you do it anyway? You don’t want the person making a request to think less of you, right?

But, when you do say yes, you end up feeling overwhelmed and may even get angry with yourself. Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle people often face when they have trouble saying "no". 

Thankfully, you don’t have to be stuck in that cycle and you don’t have to struggle with guilt just because you choose to stand your ground. Let’s look at how you can start saying "no" without drowning in guilt. 

Make a Note of Reactions

There’s probably a reason you don’t like saying no. Maybe you did turn someone’s request down once, and they got upset. That’ seems more relevant than the other times you may have said no and it was just shrugged off or accepted. 

It’s normal to think about more negative experiences and hold onto them, but try instead to focus on the more positive or neutral ones. Observe others who don’t seem to have a hard time saying "no". How do people react to them? 

Have there been other times in your life where you turned someone’s request down? Think about the less dramatic or neutral times when that occurred. Shift for your focus to thinking that nothing horrible will come from denying someone’s request.  As most often, saying "no" does not lead to terrible outcomes.

Don’t Answer Right Away

Most of the time, there’s no unwritten rule that says you need to respond to someone’s request immediately. Instead of responding with a “yes” right away, give yourself time to ponder how you really do want to answer. Maybe, in the end, you’ll still respond affirmatively. But, at least you’ll have given yourself a chance to think it through. 

So, when someone asks you to do something, it’s okay to say, “I’ll have to think about that,” or “let me check my calendar and get back to you.” 

Buying yourself some time can take away the initial pressure you might feel from being asked a question- especially if you are a people pleaser. Take a breath, notice how you feel, think about how you really want to answer, and do so within a reasonable amount of time. 

Strike a Deal

You can ease into the idea of saying "no" by counteroffering what someone might be asking.

For example, if a family member is going out of town and wants you to watch their kids for a week, you don’t have to immediately say "no". Instead, you could say something like, “I can’t watch them for a week, but I’d be happy to keep them for a couple of nights.” 

Typically, this keeps the person asking satisfied and gives you more control of the situation. 

You shouldn’t expect to just let go of the guilt immediately, especially if you’ve had trouble saying "no" your whole life. But, it’s possible to stop feeling so bad about it if you’re willing to put some practical solutions into place. 

In fact, until you DO practice saying "no" more often, the anxiety and guilt will likely dominate your thinking about it for a while. Putting it into practice helps you disprove the assumptions that are creating guilt and anxiety faster than anything else.

Contact Me

If you want to understand why you struggle to tell people "no", how to be more assertive, or ways to improve your communication style in your valued relationships (with a spouse, parent, child, co-worker, etc), don’t hesitate to reach out!

I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own.   Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:

• Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
• Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
• Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
• Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
• I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.

You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.

*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.

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