Listening is a skill that doesn’t come easily to all of us. But the good news is that it can definitely be learned and practiced, just like any other skill.
Perhaps when your friend needs a shoulder to cry on, you have found yourself having trouble listening and getting distracted and zoning out. Or maybe you’ve realized that you have a tendency to jump in and immediately start offering advice, without taking enough time to truly understand the root of the problem. Here are a few tips to help you be a more supportive and vulnerable listener the next time a loved one needs your help.
Pay Close Attention
Nowadays, it’s very easy to get distracted by notifications or the urge to check your phone when you should be paying closer attention to a conversation or situation. And even if you’re not the type to scroll through your phone in the midst of social interactions, it seems like our attention spans are getting shorter. It could be a result of spending so much time with screens.
When your friend is telling you something important, make sure that your phone is on silent and put away. You don’t want any interruptions! Not sure how to focus your attention? This brings us to the next tip: Listen with more than your ears.
Listen with all your senses
A sure-fire way to reduce distractions and focus your attention is to put all of your senses to work while you are listening. Make solid eye contact. Turn your torso and body towards them. In addition to the actual words they are saying, notice their tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.
Pay attention to context and mixed messages - are they saying that they are fine but eyes are moist, jaw clenched, and they are avoiding eye contact?
As You Listen, Resist the Urge to Give Advice
When someone we love is suffering, our first instinct is to try to think of any way that we can help. We are quick to offer up well-meaning advice. And we assume that we’re making the situation better. But sometimes, giving advice without considering the full context of the situation. You may not know if your friend really wants the advice. The next time a friend opens up to you about their problems, don’t try to start patching things up right away. Just be patient and let them speak.
Focus on Your Friend
If a friend starts telling you about an issue they have been going through, your mind probably naturally jumps to a time when you dealt with a similar circumstance. You might feel like telling them about the fact that you made it through the same situation will make them feel better. But when you start talking about yourself and turning the conversation towards your own problems, it can actually make them feel ignored. Save your own anecdotes for later, unless they specifically ask if you have had a similar experience.
A Good Listener Asks Thoughtful Questions
Yes, it’s true that you should spend most of your time listening and simply giving your friend space to speak and share what’s on their mind. But a few thoughtful questions shows that you are really listening and hearing the core of what they are saying. Sometimes, we do need someone else to ask us a few smart questions in order to admit to ourselves what we already know.
Provide Reassurance
The most important thing you can do as the conversation comes to a close? Let your friend know that you believe they will be okay. Don’t leave them hanging. Tell them that you believe in them. Try to end things on a positive note if you can. And if your friend isn’t ready for that perspective just yet? Let them know that you will continue to be there for them, no matter what. Maybe they can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. But they need to know that they are not alone and that you will still be by their side.
Contact Me
Want to be a better listener and improve your listening skills? Feel like you’re dealing with some obstacles in your personal relationships, and wish you could close the distance? Therapy can help you develop a healthy communication style. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
Related Articles on Relationships
Assertive Communication Skills: Finding Your Voice
The Art of Saying No Without Drowning in Guilt
Relationship Repair: 7 Ways to Regain Your Intimacy and Connection
You Can Remove Toxic Criticism From Your Marriage
Disagree without Being Disagreeable
6 Steps to Realign Your Relationship with Your Values
Pingback: How to Not Care So Much About What Others Think About You
Pingback: What is Grit and How Do We Cultivate it? Tips to Increase Resilience
Pingback: 7 Strategies Better Than Willpower
Pingback: Disagreeing without Being Disagreeable: How to disagree appropriately -