Rules of “Fair Fighting”

We all know that good relationships don’t just happen - they take work.  Whether the relationship is brand new or you have been together for years, you will still have times where you disagree and have conflict. This doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. However, it requires healthy communication skills to stay on track. When conflict and disagreements arise, there is a set of rules for “fair fighting.”

Shift Your Expectations

It is human nature to view an argument as a win/lose situation.  We want to get the other person to see it our way. But in this view, in order to “win” it means we have to make our partner a “loser.”  Instead, consider shifting your focus to wanting to be heard and understood, and a willingness to hear and understand your partner.  Each of your perspectives has merit.  

Communication Skills for a Gentle Approach

You want a “soft start up.”  This means setting the stage for a productive conversation rather than going in hot and inflaming the situation. As upset as you might be, try not to go in with guns blazing. This will only raise defensiveness on both sides.  Instead, be conscious of how you introduce what you’re feeling. As a general rule, "fair fighting" communication skills avoid the the following:

Name-calling - you are upset about what your partner has done, not the totality of who they are.  Keep your discussion to their behavior, not their character. Instead of calling them "lazy", tell them that you need more help around the house so that you are not too tired to enjoy time together.

Yelling, Swearing, Sarcasm - All show disrespect to your partner, a lack of self-discipline on your part, and shut down cooperative communication and problem-solving.

Interrupting - It is hard to not want to jump in and correct your partner when what they say seems wrong to you, but work to develop an ability to sit with your thoughts and let your partner finish.  Really listen to their point of view and don’t spent the whole time they are talking planning your rebuttal.

Generalizations - This is especially difficult if the complaint you have with your partner seems like part of a much bigger pattern, but try to keep the complaint to the current situation.  Avoid bringing up past mistakes and old baggage, especially if you know it will raise more defensiveness. Keep it to one complaint or problem. Now is not the time to bring up every problem you have with your partner.

Intimidation - Remember you are working with your partner, to identify a common solution.  They are not a child, underlying, or someone to push around. Using intimidating words, postures, actions, or threats of harm/abandonment to try and force them to do what you want is never appropriate.

Send & Receive Repair Efforts

Even when fair fighting, don’t forget that your goal is to bring a problem to light, understand each other, and find a common ground solution.  Look for ways to validate and support your partner’s perspective and feelings, even if you do not share their perspective. Let them know that you love and appreciate them. Ironically, the current argument is happening because you value the relationship and want to iron out a wrinkle, not because you want to hurt them or end the relationship. If you did not care about them or the relationship, you would not be as bothered.

If your partner has hurt you, and then softens or apologizes, really try to accept that change rather than continue to fuel the fire of hurt and anger.  Sometimes it may help if you are the one to take the first step and offer an olive branch. Regardless of who started the fight, either one of you can help shift the energy towards healing.

Know Your Limits 

It’s okay to take a step back when we need to. If either of you feel like things are heating up too much or you’re too emotional, it’s okay to take a break. If you are emotionally flooded, you are likely to react defensively and not use good communication skills. 

However, how to take a break is important. Don’t just stomp out of the room or withdrawal into silent treatment. Let them know if you need to take a break to calm yourself down. Before leaving, agree on a time and place to finish the discussion, ideally within 24 hours.  Let your partner know that you are still invested in working towards a solution and not just abandoning ship!

Not all disagreements will have “solutions.”  Part of any relationship requires compromise and willingness to “agree to disagree.”  However, the more often that you can “fight fair”, you will be building a pattern of mutual respect that helps buffer against those times when no common ground can easily be found.

*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.

Related Articles on Relationships

Relationship Repair: 7 Ways to Regain Your Intimacy and Connection

You Can Remove Toxic Criticism From Your Marriage

6 Steps to Realign Your Relationship with Your Values