Love Language: Quality Time Together

As much as we might love a friend or a partner, if we have a different style of expressing it than our partner, a lot can be lost in translation. As Gary Chapman explores in his book "The 5 Love Languages" (which I summarized here), there are five different ways we express love, and prefer to receive affection in return. Today I will be discussing Quality Time Together.

When our styles are different, we might be left feeling unloved or uncared for. To avoid this happening, it’s important to understand how each person communicates love and which style they thrive on in return.

If you are curious about what your Love Language is, check out the official website here to take a quiz, learn more, listen to podcasts, and find a whole bunch of official resources.

I will be writing about each style (Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation), and today's is Quality Time Together.

Quality Time

This love language might come more naturally at the beginning of a relationship—in the “getting to know you phase,” we’re constantly making plans and dates. However, when we settle into routines, our relationships might not naturally feed this style anymore. If quality time isn’t your style, you might assume that the hour you spend together watching movies or the time before bed when you’re both reading is fulfilling your partner’s needs.

It’s important to realize, though, that hanging out in the same room isn’t always enough. If your partner’s love language is quality time, the key is not just time together, but quality time together. They want you to be present and plugged into them.

This style is about giving them the gift of your time and attention. It lets them know that you’re happy to give it to them. This means you’re not sitting there on your phone or caught up emailing.

Being present means you are giving them your real attention. They want to know that you genuinely enjoy being around them, and when you’re not, you look forward to the next time you’ll see each other.

Of course, maybe that time watching Netflix together is plenty—this style of communication is all about feeling cared for and loved enough to spend time with. It’s about feeling connected on a regular basis and like you’re a real part of each other’s lives; you know what’s going on, how they’re feeling, and you aren’t missing large chunks of their day-to-day.

If spending an hour together watching a movie fulfills these needs, amazing! There’s no right or wrong way to do quality time. However, there are some helpful suggestions for getting started or improving your moments together.

How To Focus on Quality Time Together

If your style of communication is quality time, what you do together probably doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re both truly present. New activities and solid alone time, however, can help your relationship flourish:

• Go for a long drive
• Try hiking or camping (Anything that cuts your cellphone bars down is good!)
• Go on a trip. (Even just an hour away- be tourists in your own city if you can’t afford another country)
• Take classes together- cooking, dancing, pottery, etc.
• Have a game night with just the two of you
• Try new restaurants
• Teach each other about your hobbies

Of course, we’re all busy! If your partner’s love language is quality time and you don’t feel like you have a minute to spare in the day, you don’t need to stress. Try thinking about ways to incorporate each other into the things you already do:

• Read a book out loud together, instead of separately, and discuss it
• Run, hike, or do yoga for exercise
• Go for a walk together with the dog
• Go grocery shopping and prepare meals with each other
• Replant the garden
• Even doing chores together can be an opportunity to bond and express your committed partnership in both the work and fun of life.

The list goes on! Whatever your day-to-day schedule looks like, there are always ways to fit each other in. Of course, if your partner’s love language is quality time, it’s important to realize they don’t want this to be a chore. They want you to enjoy spending time with them.

If this feels overwhelming sometimes, remember: they don’t want every minute of every day; if your loved ones know that you’re making an effort to fit them in, they’ll appreciate this. Planning them into your schedule lets them know that you care, that they’re worth your time, and that you still enjoy their presence in your life.

Make sure the time you do have together counts. Even if it’s ten minutes, eye contact and genuine engagement in the conversation can make that time more valuable than hours spent watching television.

The "Land mine" to be Avoided

Every Love Language style can also be used "wrongly" and end up inflicting more hurt. So, remember that if your partner is focused on spending quality time together, the key word is quality. They will feel especially hurt if you are distracted, trying to multi-task and only give them your divided attention.

Also, when you make plans with them, be mindful not to be late, or to cancel or postpone your shared activity. This implies that they really aren't a priority - that you have something better to do! This is annoying and upsetting to most of us, but is especially painful if Quality Time Together is your preferred Love Language.

Contact Me

Do you would like to work on your communication style? This can be applied to any relationships (with a spouse, parent, child, co-worker, etc)! Don't hesitate to reach out!

I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own.   Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:

• Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
• Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
• Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
• Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
• I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.

You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.

*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.

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